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til I see stars in my eyes
30th-Dec-2037 10:16 am - friends only (partially)

Welcome to my journal! It's only partially friends only.
My personal, real-life posts are locked, but anything
else I post is public.

I am adding friends, but only if I know you through any
of the communities I'm involved in here on LJ. :)

If you're looking for my graphics, check out woodenwhisper!
7th-Feb-2016 04:13 pm - Feeling sad today.
For some reason I've been feeling sad all day. Well maybe sad isn't quite the right word. I just don't feel like doing anything. Nothing interests me.

This is a familiar feeling since I felt this way all last summer. I definitely don't want those days to come back. I'm trying to push through it. Right now I'm listening to this podcast called Lore and I'm trying to live chat with EA.

This is actually my first episode of Lore, but basically the podcast tells creepy/weird stories that go along with a theme. This episode is about sea exploration. It's not as creepy as I'd hoped it would be.

As for EA, I'm trying to get a free copy of the Sims 2 Ultimate Collection. I heard that if you already have the Sims 2, they'll just give it to you (via Origin). Yes, I still play the Sims 2. I didn't like the Sims 3 and I don't really plan on trying the Sims 4.
7th-Feb-2016 04:04 pm - YouTube Update!
Hi everyone! Here are my latest videos. I hope you enjoy them! ^_^

3rd-Feb-2016 10:46 am - Just checking in.
Happy Wednesday everyone!

I don't really have anything noteworthy to report, but I thought I'd make a post just to check in.

My schedule is really busy these days. My sister doesn't drive, so I bring her anywhere she needs to be. I don't mind at all, but coordinating things is sometimes annoying. On Mondays, she has physical therapy and I have one class. So I go to class, and she waits in the car. Then she goes to therapy, and I wait in the car. On Tuesdays, I have class from about 9:30 to 2. She doesn't work Tuesdays, and we usually visit our dad. On Wednesdays, my least favorite day, I have to get to school at 9 for a 50 minute class, then wait for four hours until my next class at 2. It's so annoying. When I get out at 3:15, there's so much traffic because all the kids are out of school. Emily sometimes works. Thursdays are the same as Tuesdays, except Emily sometimes works. Fridays I again have to bring Emily to therapy, but I don't have class. The weekends I'm completely free, except I have to bring her to work if she works. Also, she has to go to the gym every day for 20-30 minutes as part of her therapy. They don't want her running/walking because that'd be too much on the muscle, so she usually does the bike or the elliptical.

I know that's all incredibly boring, but that's my life!

I'm still doing YouTube, though I know I've forgotten to update about it here. I'm planning to do that Saturday after my next video goes up.

I'm also reading. I'm still on HP:OOTP and Station Eleven, but I've also picked up The May Queen Murders, and I'm really really enjoying it. It's so atmospheric. The writing is great and creepy. ^_^

As for school itself, I have a general feel of the classes and the professors now. I don't like the Israeli Short Story prof at all because she just rambles forever. I feel like I'm wasting my time, like I'm not learning anything at all. It's very annoying. I really love the subject matter of Brit Lit, but everyone in the class is practically dead. There's virtually no response to any question the prof asks. I can tell he's getting annoyed. My French prof is really funny and charismatic. He's making it enjoyable. I also like my Fiction Writing prof. He's funny and smart and nice.

I think that's about it. I hope you're all doing well. :)
27th-Jan-2016 12:03 pm - Finished the proposal!
Hi everyone! Not too much has been going on, except that I was kind of scrambling to finish my grant proposal. I handed it in Monday, along with a really lovely letter of recommendation from my professor. I don't know if you guys are at all interested in this, but I'm going to share them with you. The proposal I wrote is here and the letter my professor wrote is here. I'll find out by the end of February if I got it.

My most recent Youtube video was about slumps because I hit a really bad one. I haven't been reading at all. I'm in the middle of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and a few days ago I started Station Eleven. I may start yet another book because I think reading multiple stories helps keep things fresh and interesting for me.

Besides that, I've just been doing homework. I haven't had any real assignments yet. It's only the beginning of the semester, but it feels weird because I was working so hard on that proposal in the first week. But I'm doing well and my biggest struggle right now is finances. Our phones got turned off and it's hard to get food or gas. It's hard to say which is more important. We need gas to get everywhere, including Emily's job, so we can have money to buy food. I don't even know. I still haven't gotten a paycheck from the crafts store I worked for because they get paid biweekly. Hopefully I'll get something Friday. I'm basically just waiting to get my refund from school. :(

I hope you're doing well!
21st-Jan-2016 07:00 pm - So dramatic
I think I was such a drama queen in the last post. I was, like, way over-the-top. And I'm still being over the top! I was crying last night and hiding it from my sister. I just put so much pressure on myself. I want to be amazing at everything and instead I'm okay or bad at everything. I need to relax.

Thank you so much for your amazing comments. I can't tell you how much they mean to me.

My first week of school is over now. The semester didn't technically start until Tuesday, but usually I'll be going to school Monday through Thursday.

French III is surprisingly not terrifying. I have a new teacher now. This is my third semester of French, and for the first two semester I had the same teacher and I thought she was good. But this new guy I have is really great! I wish I had him before. I feel like I'm actually going to learn things, not just memorize them for tests. This is the last French I'm required to take, but I may take one more class next semester because Master's programs want you to have taken two full years of a language.

British Literate through History I is very interesting because I love British history. The teacher is kind of weird, though, but hopefully I'll get used to him. We're covering the literature and history in 1588-1789, and so far we've just been covering the history very briefly up to 1588. Like today we talked about the Protestant Reformation. I love this stuff! I know a bit about the Tudors, and this course begins with the end of Elizabeth I, so everything next is going to be kind of new to me. I'm excited! This course is required, along with the next one (Brit Lit through History II) which I'll probably take next semester.

The Israeli Short Story was a class I was really excited for, but the teacher is so disappointing. Maybe these first two classes have just been boring. I mean, the first one was an introduction and in the second one we just watched a documentary on Israel. We haven't even discussed any stories yet. The teacher just seems really quiet and, I don't know really. Maybe I was expecting someone with more personality? I don't know, I don't know. The first story we've read was okay. This is a "tier 3" class. I'm required to take one tier 3 class, and I chose this one because it looked interesting. It's not listed under English or literature, but under Judaic Studies.

Intermediate Fiction Writing seems great. The teacher is really funny and laid back. I already have a short story (two pages) due on Tuesday. Woo!

So overall, I'm excited for the semester, but also waiting for the stress to overwhelm me. All the homework!

I'm also working on the grant proposal. It's due Monday by 4pm. I wrote a VERY rough, short draft, which I'm embarrassed of, and I'm meeting my professor tomorrow to talk about it. I feel like he's going to kill me. Ugh. I've never done this before, so I don't know what I'm doing. But I want to do it! UGH AGAIN.

I live in Connecticut and there's supposed to be a blizzard this weekend, so tonight I'm going shopping with my mom. What fun. (SARCASM.)

I've also been playing Dragon Age: Inquisition on my PS3 at least once a day. I love this game! I've yet to finish it even once, though. I had it on my computer. I paid $60 when the game first came out. But my computer wasn't up to snuff. I thought I'd get my computer upgraded. I never did. So I ended up buying the game again for PS3. (Either $20 there, or over $200 to upgrade my computer.)

Have a great weekend!
20th-Jan-2016 10:50 am - I hate myself
So I screwed up the job. You probably saw this coming.

I thought I could handle doing school and work, but it's only the first week, and I had to do the grant proposal, and I was worried about having homework to do but having to work every night. So I called them up and told them I could only work weekends. I lied and said I had to add a class last minute.

An hour later they called me back, but I missed the call because I was in class, so I called them back and they told me I'd be terminated because they hired me with certain availability.

I liked the job. I really did. I wasn't having problems or panic attacks. But I worked only four times. I just suck. What's wrong with me? Why can't I hold onto a job? Maybe I just can't do retail. I don't know. I think I just can't balance work and school. I can only focus on one. And school is more important to me. And even in school, I can only handle the bare minimum - four classes. I hear people complaining about not being able to take six classes. Like, that there wasn't classes open. I wonder how they do it!

I really hate myself. I've screwed up so many chances. I'm 28 and I feel like a failure. But I'm still trying. I won't give up. I'm going to get my degree, and hopefully that'll bring something good and stable my way.

I'll talk about my classes in another post, probably when the week is up.
16th-Jan-2016 06:16 pm - Being Busy
It's been about a week since my last post and I have so much stuff going on. I've never been this busy. And you know it's not even that much stuff that I have to go out and do really. It's just like I've piled a bunch of stuff on myself. I'll try to talk through it.

First, there are my hobbies. I make jewelry for Etsy. This requires me to make the jewelry, photograph the jewelry, and post the listings on Etsy. I also do YouTube, and more specifically, "booktube". This means that I should be reading a lot. If I'm not reading, then there's no content for my channel. I have been reading, but I've been kind of slumpy for the past week or so. Instead of using OneNote, I've moved on to making a spreadsheet here to keep track of certain things. So for YouTube, I have to read as much as I can, then film videos, edit the videos, and post the videos. I also like to watch YouTube (there's currently about 200 videos in my Watch Later playlist) and listen to podcasts. And I've been playing video games lately.

Second, I just started a new job. I had my third shift today. It's going well. My feet aren't bothering me as much as they used to, or as much as I thought they would.

Third, school starts on Tuesday. I'm going to be going four days a week.

Fifth, I have to drive my sister to work and to physical therapy, and my mom has an appointment once a month I have to bring her to.

Sixth, I have to work on the grant proposal. I met with my professor yesterday and I felt really unprepared.

Just so much stuff. How to juggle?
16th-Jan-2016 06:08 pm - YouTube Update!
Hi everyone! Here are my videos from the past week. I hope you enjoy them! ^_^

11th-Jan-2016 11:23 am - Jewelry Pics
I posted some new necklaces, and I just thought I'd share them here. :) You can check out my Etsy shop here if you like. :)

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